I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
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48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
he chose this
getting groceries
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Breaking news:
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Phonetics
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos