doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
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Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one