sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
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I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Got him!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*