lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
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“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.