Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
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Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE