I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked