I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Beware of the “party goblin”…