[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
But I really needed water water water
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
A drum solo but on your face.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this