Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
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Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.