Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I am never leaving this website
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law