Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
It do be feeling this way.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
dogs can find happiness so easily
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim