Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
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I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Comparing yourself to others
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.