[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.