I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
your elf on the shelf was delicious