The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
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My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.