Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
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[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
is this how new cars are made??
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people