Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
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Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare