Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
bias laundering edition
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows