Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
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humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit