no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.