SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB