Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus