My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
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@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Support your local cemetery
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My what?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.