“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
You Might Also Like
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
How to find Kentucky on a map
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”