Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
White parent Vs Arab parents
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack