“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*