[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
BETRAYAL
i- i did not expect this
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Xylophonist Shredding It
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees