The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
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I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip