Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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I am having an out of money experience.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Yes, this is exactly right
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed