ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits