Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
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[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.