If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
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When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
this makes me so uncomfortable
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
🙅🏻
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.