i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison