my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.