Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
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Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.