Had a spot of bother earlier.
You Might Also Like
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests