If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
(Jupiter –
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”