The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?