god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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this will hang in the louvre one day
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
What a website
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Pass gas, not judgment.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Ah..makes sense now
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
good let them take over I have had enough
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW