ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
uncle dave has been through hell
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent