The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
(True)
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?