There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
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Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
saving face 馃憖
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Sharon, call the vet
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I鈥檝e deleted all dating apps off my phone I鈥檓 over it 馃槶 I鈥檓 waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that鈥檚 too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I post 馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩 on Facebook everyday.
I don鈥檛 play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”