I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.