just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
You Might Also Like
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
If a snake ate a cake
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊