Ugh
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The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s