alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..