If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
A man of commitment.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God