Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
happy valentine’s day to me
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.