Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
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My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Cause of death: Zumba
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down