I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”